Part 3

Contextual Practice

1 April

To do:

- Print pictures for sketchbook

- Document and reflect in sketchbook

- Make a list of possible items for installation (generate ideas in sketchbook maybe? maybe through simple drawing aswell)

- Evaluate analysis on how of research on workflow research page connects to my creative process

31 March

Today I tried out new ways of experimenting with my cliff footage by adding appropriated footage of a time lapse starry sky and audio of a spiritual teacher answering a question from a german student, with a translator mediating the conversation which gives off a really nice effect+plays with the idea of language as symbolism, the relativity of language, language as a social institution. The starry background added a more camp-y effect as well which I found really entertaining and beautiful at the same time. Not serious, but sincere. 

I want to keep on experimenting with how the footage looks projected. I need to buy a uk to eu plug to be able to charge my projector first. I am also looking at ideas of installation, I am going to use a room in my basement which requires a good clean up before it can be used for anything so that is on my to to list as well. I am creating a super heightened experience of lying in bed in my room, watching youtube and meditating at night. I am going to use symbols from my own room, enhance certain aspects which I find have a charge of #spirituality, lol. Like fairy lights, kitchy blinking jesus figurines, dolls, stuffed animal etc. 

31 March

To do

- Editing experiments+upload

- Document in sketchbook

- Screenshot stills to put in sketchbook 

- Upload appropriated footage to workflow 

30 March

Today I have done some experimental editing to create the visual vibe I want for the installation. Now that I know a bit more in-depth what I want my installation to look like I've decided to go for simpler aesthetics when it comes to the video. I still want the video to be displayed in the ceiling with a mattress on the floor (like in my installation idea in my sketchbook from the 15/3) so that you look up at it but the idea of an installation which incorporates symbols, colours and lights in a womb-like space would give off a sense of comfort, playfulness, sensitivity. Right now I feel like I have no idea how to get it all together because as soon as I start working on something I realise how much work it is to get my idea from though to form. It never really gets on the level I want it to be which makes me a bit frustrated. I think the trick might be to simplify as much as possible. I just need to keep experimenting and I'm sure it will all come together. Right now I just need to focus on making making making. 

30 March

To do today

- Upload sketchbook pages

- Research installation

- Buy materials for installation+sketchbook

- Write about symbols sketchbook ideas generation on workflow

- Experimental editing 

 

This week

- Start experimenting with installation, gather materials (found objects) and sketchbook ideas

- Incorporate experiments with green screen idea 

- Make sound experiments with existing recordings

- Make nice (more abstract) visuals 

- Try video and sound out projected/installed

25 March

To do

- Write longer reflection about project (below)

- Sample snippets from cliff video, experiment with editing

- Document in sketchbook+workflow

- Upload outcomes+sketchbook pages to youtube and workflow

25 March

Today I am focusing on experimenting with editing. I aim to create many mini "sample" sedgements of the two longer videos i filmed the other day that i can then puzzle together by layering in different ways in non-chronological order to create a "timeless" feeling to the piece which will like nice looped. I want to incorporate more of that "camp" vibe into the #aesthetics of the video to enhance a sense of humour to it. I can see how the research I did weeks ago is coming into creation now, the research I did on the fool archetype, the "sacred clown" or heyoka role of certain tribes in Pan-America (the one who does the opposite of set cultural standards to remind people to not take their own stories too seriously, the one who is cold when everyone else is hot) the camp aesthetic in forms of humour shows and fashion trends (glitchy, low quality, tacky, eerie, absurd, existentialistic, unserious, sincere), the institutional critique artists in forms of challenging the standards, the stories of certain "rooms" (meaning for example an institutional practice or a set standard in a certain field of profession, or the expected social roles of a person of a certain culture).

One way that the camp aesthetic support the role of the sacred fool is well represented through this quote: "the most obvious argument is that camp is just an excuse for poor quality work and allows the tacky and vulgar to be recognized as valid art. In doing so, camp celebrates the trivial and superficial and form over content. The power of the camp object may be found in its ability to induce this reaction". This is exactly what the role of what Jung calls the jester, what Lakota people call heyoka or people of the Kachina religion calls pueblo clowns, it's the trickster, symbolised as a fox in many cultures, the coyote in others. To turn upside down, to be unprofessional, to being grand where you're expected to be modest and to be very timid when you're expected to present with pride. 

I have gone through this year watching people around me. Amazingly creative artists who make interesting work, talk about interesting things, goes to interesting parties and go to interesting schools. They have this amazing reality they've created for themselves where they're allowed to freely create whatever they desire. However, noones seems to believe in this reality they've created for themselves. There is always some fixation to obsess over. After having lived the hermit life for a year, coming back to the "marketplace" (moving to London, starting my studies) was shock. Everyone was so caught up in these stories about where their life was heading and what that meant for their self-image. Are we worthy? Are we not worthy? Who will get in where? What does the people that go to that school think about people at the other very similar but school. I noticed that no matter how much success people around me seemed to attain it didn't change the case of them suffering, of them feeling unworthy. I experienced my friend say to me over and over in a haze of self induced anesthesia - I feel like everyone hates me, sometimes I feel like all of my friends hate me. This person who, on the surface looks so successful and happy. So interesting and charming - someone who everyone likes to look at. You know what I mean. 

I can see how the literature I studied helped me put context to the function of myths and symbols and the cultural importance of such practices. It seems like our collective myths have caused us a lot of suffering lately. Suffering as a collective, suffering as individuals, suffering as a planet. Ideas of "never enough", that we always need to attain more, that we always need to perform, participate, contribute. I think this quote from Kirkegaards Either/or says it quite well: 

"When I was very young I forgot in the cave of Trophonious how to laugh; when I became older, when I opened my eye and saw reality, I started to laugh and haven't stopped since. I saw the meaning of life was getting a livelihood, its goal acquiring a titular office, that love's rich desire was getting hold of a well-to-do girl, that the blessedness of friend-ship was to help one another in financial embarrassment, that wisdom was what the majority assumed it to be, that enthusiasm was to make a speech, that courage was to risk losing ten dollars, the cordiality consisted in saying ' You're welcome after a dinner, that fear of god was to go to communion once a year. That's what I saw, and I laughed." p. 51

This rat race! Even around people who are creators! Who are supposed to be freed from the shackles of social expectations. It's all the same at the marketplace. How do I present myself in order to be found attractive, how do I sell myself (peep Andrea Frazer's Untitled 2003, she sells sex to a collector and records herself doing so),  sustain myself as an artist, in a world where even CREATING is called "work". How am I supposed to be free when everything is about attaining "success", getting into the right school so I can then strive for the next thing, the next funding, the next show, whatever. When did it become so serious. When did it all become about image? What do you think the people who did cave art would say if someone was like "Hey dude that's an alright painting but WHO ARE YOU! What do YOU represent? What does IT represent?????" I bet the cave artist would be like: "Ummm... I was just high on some plants I ate and I felt like capturing the mystery of my experience...". 

J. Hollis writes in the book the service of myth 

"when people feel that they are living the symbolic life, that they are actors in the divine drama. That gives the only meaning to human life; everything else is banal and you can dismiss it. A career, producing of children, all are maya [illusion] compared with that one thing, that your life is meaningful."

One of our collective myths that our favourite religion Academia is very much based in here at the marketplace is this idea expressed in the Myth of the Other by Franco Rella. 

"the unconscious in Freud does not speak the language of the Other but speaks “many dialects,” which cannot be composed or translated into a single language. Moreover, it does not speak directly: “We deduce its existence. from its effects.”: The analyst does not therefore discover a hidden and mysterious reality, but works the various signifying formations- from the individual ones to the social and collective-precisely in order to “construct” the plurality of languages which the operations of defense-here too both individual and social-seek to reduce to a unity, to transparency, to the clarity of a uniform relationship with one reality posited as univocal. There is no room in Freud for a natural truth. What he calls “material truth” is always off-stage"

THERE IS NO ROOM IN FREUD FOR A NATURAL TRUTH. We think we live in a world without natural truth. What is natural truth? Natural truth is the fact that we don't know what this mystery of life really is. We don't know what the world we live in is. We don't know who we are. We were given a name and we were taught that was who we was. We were told to believe in ideas of ourselves. All these sets of stories. One thing I noticed with British culture is that everything is very "business" and "formal" and there are certain ways to act and there are many rules to follow and there is very much a right or wrong. This is all a distraction from the fact that WE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW. This is why we need someone to take the role of the heyoka, the fool, the trickster, to shake things up a bit. To remind us that this human world we've built is a world of imagination, it's a world of ideas. That this constant struggle, this suffering, this sense of unworthiness we experience comes from believing in all these ideas we have. These distractions from what is here now. This person who willingly makes a fool out of himself to help others realise natural truth. 

Sometimes this can be done through speaking alien language that is said to have healing properties in a silly wig filmed with a selfie stick and edited in iMovie. Something everyone could do. The things I create are something everyone can do. Most people have access to a phone camera and an editing program today. All the props I use are inexpensive and attainable to everyone. My art is about recycling what is already here in a form which hopefully helps people realise the now. By using busy visuals and skewed audio I allow the viewer to release ideas of meaning and focus more on sensory input. "Being in the body" then helps to relax into a less demanding mindset. Relaxation is key to being here now. 

Another quote from Rella: 

The plurality of contradictions that move through the social body and determine it is thus reduced to a dialectic of “norm" and “deviation,” one which ends up “passively accepting the definitions of deviation set down by the dominant ideology, only rehabilitating ipso facto every form of deviation as subversive (according to a pseudo-syllogism: 'that which is revolutionary is persecuted and repressed; therefore that which is persecuted and repressed is revolutionary')."

Another way of expressing the Either/or factor of current social and cultural trends. We will never become free if there always a "bad guy", someone to condemn. In our class discussions I noticed that a "Bad guy" figure was rich people and certain conservative/oppressive figures of political power. Somehow, the rule of decency when it comes to how we talk about fellow human beings seemed to be completely disregarded when we talked about groups that were seen as "bad". I wondered how that was. In a crowd of such "enlightened" beings, there was this huge blindspot. As long as we keep making up all these ideas of right or left, black or white, good or bad, our worlds will contain of contradictions. Contradictions that will cause conflicts, conflicts that will cause suffering. 

Rella writes:

"analysis isn't the healing of souls, neither is it the glorification of the repressed, of that which has been rejected by both individuals and cultures as a whole. The point is not to counterpose to the discontent and its “incurability” another space, a dimension of truth that the reigning powers had hidden. The repressed must play its game, its role, within the space that rejected here it is the rules of exclusion themselves that are called into it."

Are we done analysing any time soon? Are we done talking risk and chance, are we done calculating how being successful of attractive? It's an endless game and we could go on with it forever if we wanted to. I'd much rather be the fool than the ruler. From The Service of the Myth, J. Hollis:

"Many understand myth as the inadequate reading of nature—what humans had before science. They forget that the motifs of science are also mythological. They think the mystery we call gravity, for example, is comprehensible simply because we have named it. They think that quarks, quasars and black holes have some more objective status than Ares and Aphrodite. They forget that scientists knowingly employ fictions, models of reality readily supplanted by more useful ones. They forget that great leaps of conjecture and the subjective nature of all knowledge are implicit even in the most “objective” of assertions."

At first I thought my work would be about the art world or maybe about learning institutions but what I've noticed after some observation is that these collective myths of social institutions, institutions such as language, money, learning institutions, religion, science, the story of our name. It's all made up and the reason we suffer is not because we have all these ideas, but because we believe them to be solid, to be real. The truth is that the mystery is the only thing that constant in a world where things come together to fall apart and fall apart to come together. All form in ebb and flow . So, if nothing has more or less meaning than we ascribe to it, if it's all meaningless that is, why don't we just have fun with it? Why don't we stop obsessing over getting into the right school and wearing the right clothes and pronouncing our names correctly and just... have fun??? Speak alien language in ethereal spaces, experience the mystery of the world as emptiness, as love, as all that is, as god, whatever we call it. Why not just give others something that is not traumatic and horrible, wounded. 

Similarly, institutions formed to preserve and promulgate the impact of the primal encounter with mystery, be they religious, educational or political, often become oppressive, preventing us from personally experiencing the mystery, finally serving only their own self-preservation. (J. Hollis)

This quote describes exactly what I mean with collective myths of institutions. It is as though the whole system we live in, call it capitalism or whatever, is more important than actually being in connection with what is. Why is economic profit more important than being connected to the planet and the people on it? 

Hollis writes: 

"Myth takes us deep into ourselves and into the psychic reservoirs of humanity. Whatever our cultural and religious background or personal psychology, a greater intimacy with myth provides a vital linkage with meaning, the absence of which is so often behind the private and collective neuroses of our time. Expressed in its most succinct form, the study of myth is the search for that which connects us most deeply with our own nature and our place in the cosmos. Surely no more central issue confronts us collectively and individually."

and

"When the image (that is, the symbol) no longer points beyond itself to the precincts of mystery, then it is dead. But the mystery lives on, elsewhere." 

Obviously, the collective stories of modern society, the symbols we use have become empty. People have stopped believing in god, people live for profit instead. 

The anxiety that individuals or cultures feel at that moment is considerable and they may quickly grasp hold of a new image in order to feel secure again. Since humankind can bear little existential angst, there naturally emerge ideologies and fads, fashions and affectations, which momentarily assuage anxiety.

We have now come to a point where this way of destracting ourselves is not possible anymore. The world is telling us to wake up, to connect. I speak this symbolic language, I attribute the jester archetype, I connect to my self through play. I hope by showcasing this type of intimate connection to everything I feel when I sing or speak this language I can only understand in my heart, not in my head, I can be an example to others. Not for others to believe in spiritual ideas or concepts or whatever, but to simply help others realise that not everything has to be so complicated, so wired, so full of struggle. It can be easy. Singing, speaking from your heart. Finding beauty from inside. So that seeking can end, so that being can be. I become the conduit for the myth. Both the storyteller and the story at the same time. I come through, through the narrative of symbols and archetypes that everyone know of but are not always trained to see consciously. Whether consciously or not, we are all actors in the divine drama. 

23 March

Yesternight I made a draft edit of the performance I did yesterday. I am uploading it right now. I am also doing an analysis of symbols, hidden language in the video. I did some research as well earlier on how to convey emotion through performing, how to show authenticity on camera. I am currently quite tired so I am going to do a rough analysis in my sketchbook and the continue to edit and document a more detailed analysis tomorrow. 

so today...

- Research

- Upload draft

- Continue explore ideas of myth and archetype through further analysis

22 March

To do today

- Film on top of hill performance

- Document in sketchbook & on workflow

- Start editing

 

I only did planning yesterday. Today I filmed a performance at the top of a cliff. I am going to start looking at the material today and document key themes in the video... I feel like I get into a completely different flow at home. Instead of filming like 15s-15min segments I did two 20-25min performances and I found the right props to to support the Camp aesthetic I've been researching because I have so much more resources here at home. I also have access to nature here, it is easier to find solitude as well. While performing in front of people serve or in public serves a purpose i find it interesting to see what happens when you switch "rooms". I found something that felt very deep today. A word came to my mind earlier when I looked at the videos from earlier. Colloquial. I didn't know what that meant so I had to look it up. 

 

(of language) used in ordinary or familiar conversation; not formal or literary.
"colloquial and everyday language"
 
Contractions: Words such as “ain't” and “gonna” are examples of colloquialism, as they are not used widely throughout English-speaking populations. Profanity: Some words are considered profane in some dialects of English where they are not at all bad in other dialects.
 
used in or characteristic of familiar and informal conversationIn colloquial English, "kind of" is often used for "somewhat" or "rather."also unacceptably informal
busing conversational stylecolloquial writer
 

Colloquialism or colloquial language is the linguistic style used for casual communication. It is the most common functional style of speech, the idiom normally employed in conversation and other informal contexts.[1] Colloquialism is characterized by wide usage of interjections and other expressive devices; it makes use of non-specialist terminology, and has a rapidly changing lexicon. It can also be distinguished by its usage of formulations with incomplete logical and syntactic ordering.[2][3][4][5]

A specific instance of such language is termed a colloquialism. The most common term used in dictionaries to label such an expression is colloquial.

 

hmm... Intersting. 

21 March

I tried out editing the sound of the British museum video by layering two files on top of each other and using different effects on them two, "large room" and "multi-tone". Layering sound is fun because it creates a textural landscape of the raw files which tell a narrative on its own.

I went through my workflow and my sketchbooks yesterday to reflect over the narrative of my process so far. I thought about how the connection to archetypes and myths come from my role as the performer, to be the "sacred fool" or the "heyoka" archetype. How the myths are in the "light language", myths are that which bring us closer to the mystery. That is tyhe function of the myth. how connected a society is can be determined by the quality of the collective myths they live by. What stories do we tell ourselves? What do we believe in? By connecting my art practice to a practice which is first-handedly expressed and experienced individually, second-handedly on youtube I question the legitimacy of "the stories of this room".

In a world which thrives on the idea of a masculine ideal - force, logic, intellect, competition, expressing spirituality has become taboo.  Our myths, the bible tell us we are flawed in our humanness, there is this inherent idea of irredeemable separation. This is of course not a very nice myth. It makes people feel miserable. So much art is about this misery, this suffering. To present something traumatic is somehow more socially acceptable than the idea of depth and connection through prayer, ritual, chanting, singing, dancing, meditating. By performing the role of the light language youtuber I am representing the role of the sacred fool. I am sure some who are not into spirituality would disdain light language as a healing practice. They'd see light language speakers talking about healing the body and loving yourself through "channeled alien language" as foolish.  I am speaking for all of us through words that are not meant to be interpreted but FELT, thus moving experience from reflecting over and interpreting to connecting and feeling. 

 

To do today

- Reflect over practice and its relation to current events and PPP (above) 

- Sketchbook plan and film Hampstead Heath redo at the top of a cliff

- Edit and upload? 

20 March

I did some ideas generating collages last night and thought about the whore-madonna archetypal myth of our society, the Innocent or the Outlaw. I thought of the role of the sage and the hermit lifestyle that comes with it. I thought about the need for belonging and the desperation that comes with it. I thought about the explorer through soul searching and cultivating your unique gifts. I thought of the different roles I take on, so many different roles. There seem not to be a cohesive self sometimes. I am this one second and that the other. The only constant seem to be I and that I is instant and eternal.

 

To do today:

- Upload sketchbook to workflow

- Finish editing & upload British museum

19 March

i havn't got much done this week due to unforseen events that got me to the decision to change my plans for the week. I am going to make a new plan today. This week I have had to travel home in Sweden, so I havn't got much time to work. I have much more alone time and access to green areas here which I feel will facilitate my making process, so that's positive. Right now I am very tired from traveling so I am going to start working tomorrow and only touch on light things today like creating a sketchbook page on workflow and make a plan for the coming days...

I got really good feedback from my online tutorial so I am using that to help me plan what to do further on. My tutor told me to upload more experiments, that I made good reflections, that I can take this time to go back to reflecting on my concept and it's relationship to current events in the world.

To do

- Scan+Upload sketchbook to workflow

- Edit+Upload Museum experiment

- Write longer reflection on making process in relation to PPP and latest events

- Experiment with green screen ideas (generate ideas in sketchbook)

- Re-do Hampstead Heath experiment

 

13 March

My to do list for this week is

- Revise museum material

- Start editing Hampstead Heath material

- Plan "green screen film" in sketchbook

- Scrap collage 

- Exhibition 

My plan today was to film at Hampstead Heath and start editing it but unfortunately my selfie stick broke and didn't record any sound so now I need to buy a new selfie stick and go back to Hampstead Heath Tuesday. I first felt a bit frustrated when I noticed the sound wasn't working on the videos. I had literally thought to myself - hmm I should check the sound but I DIDN'T and that thought also came to me after I'd accidentally broke off the phone holder part of the stick sooo.... I need to go to a tourist shop in Central to buy a new selfie stick WHIcCH is funny because last time I went past a tourist shop and saw a bunch of selfie sticks at the front of the store I was like.. hmm I should buy one. Talk about NOT TRUSTING YOUR INTUITION. The higher meaning of these series of events might be: I was just supposed to get out in nature and "filming" served the purpose of getting me out there. Just like when you're like: Oh wow it's raining and I gotta walk the dog... Well heck I'll do it for him (the dog) but then when you get out there in the quiet evening rain the skies seem to open up to you and your conciousness seem to expand and you're like... MY GOD here I am. Here we are. We're all humble tripping. Why did you get a dog in the first place? What about my needs of JUST being in nature without "being productive"? (2 flies in one smash as we say in Sweden better than vulgar 2 birds in my stone... wait this make me thinl... why do i thinl killing flies is bätter than birds.... one truth, child) What about your needs to listen to the night sky falling down upon you!!!! God bless. 

 

Possible schedule this week...

Måndag:

- Museum thing edit and post in Class

- Research "Green screen"

- Print sketchbook pics 

- Ask tutor to revise word count on thing we signed because current number is incorrect (change to 547 words)

- Exhibition + buy Selfie stick in Camden

Tisdag

- Hampstead Heath filming

- Start editing

- Research "Green screen", props?

Wednesday

- Fix props

- Buy cable for projector

- Post Hamstead Heath?

Tuesday

- Film green screen 

- Research Installation ideas

Friday

- Edit green screen

- Sketchbook Installation ideas

Saturday

- Edit green screen

- work on installation and presentation

Sunday

- Upload and Install green screen

- Reflection

 

 + to think about

Film Green screen sheets+duvet cover set ??? yes no??

Go to library/do reading

sketchbook collageing

yin yoga

go for walks

prepare meals

breathe smile :)

12 March

I had tutorial today which I was really nervous about but it went really well! I feel proud of myself. My tutor told me to keep experimenting and it will all come together, which was really fun and encouraging to hear. They told me to focus more on documenting in my sketchbook, more screens from films. I think I am going to buy some toner to get the printer working so I wont have to run to Archway every time I need to print something. 

11 March

Still trying to figure out my sketchbook. How to use it in a comprehensible and "honest" way, so that it becomes a way of carrying my work forward, to help me reflect on decisions. Everything takes so much more time and energy than I imagine, in the sense that I carry it forward through processes that I'm bit yet that familiar with. It takes time to get to know the way I work. It honestly still feel like a mystery to me how to document like... an editing process because that is all about do - redo to me and it's hard to put on paper. 

I feel like I should start having my sketchbook next to me while editing so I can document any ideas and thoughts immediately. 

To do:

- Sketchbook documentation

- Keep editing 

- Post 1 video on youtube

10 March

I started the day with editing my footage from the last couple of days - The British Museum footage and some other footage I filmed by the Thames during a night walk. I find myself wanting to "perfect" a lot more now than I felt the need for last week. I remind myself to continue on in a "beginners mindset", it's more about making and being able to move on than to perfect details at this stage. 

I want to be more consistent in documenting my process in my sketchbook. I am still learning how to use my sketchbook. It is interesting to see how much more fluent my process feel when I allow myself to relax more, to not take myself so seriously. When I think more about how I want to do it than how I'm supposed to do it. When I focus more on doing work for myself than for others. Of course, thinking about the audience and how to present your work is important (and fun), but it's important to me to remember that I am still in the process of learning how to "become" a creator. Stunning results feel less and less important, getting in flow and finding genuine interest feels more intriguing. 

I find using a sketchbook so helpful to get my ideas out of my head. It's a dynamic way of reflecting over my process. Quite unexpectedly, it has become one of my favourite elements of the process because there are so many possibilities in how to go along with it and It's quite beautiful to see how it's become something that is helping me more and more to undertand myself as a creator. 

To do:

- Documentation sketchbook (start dating pages!!!)

- Print 

- Keep editing footage

- Upload at least one video to the channel (if it feels ready)

 

JOHARI WINDOW

8 March

Sunday, I continued on doing literary research - Deleuze and Performance, The Myth of the Other, The Movement of the Free Spirit. I've found it easiest to let more "heavy" research "go through me" rather than trying to make direct concept out of it. It is as when I read Wittgenstein, and I discovered it was more beneficial to read him as poetry rather than trying to intellectually grasp and analyse every little detail I came across. I read about Wittgenstein, who facing away from the audience, read poetry to the academics to teach them, prove to them, show them, whatever, that there is something beyond word that is  essential to any type of expression. I take in and I learn from what I read and I let it manifest through creation. 

I went to the British Museum after I was done studying. I was originally planing on going to hampstead heath to "connect with nature" through light language, but it was raining and I had been preparing to go the the museum for some time. So I thought it was time and I went there feeling quite strange about the endeavour I was performing. Wearing my best normal looking "Ellen Degeneres" style outfit (yes, we gay :/), with my selfie stick in hand I went to speak light language amongst the ancient symbols from all around the world. Talking to the mummies, to the ancient greeks. Apparently you were not allowed to fold out the selfie stick in the galleries. This fact, being told to "behave" triggered some fear in me that made me a bit unsure in how I able I  was in recording myself. It ended up looking quite amateurish, shots filmed close to my face, me half-whispering because I was afraid someone was going to hear it was not a real language I was speaking and my cover as a "Ellen Degeneres looking Tourist" would be blown.

It went well though and I made an undercover performance as an alien learning ancient wisdom from human history to gather information on how to help the human race ascend, AND NO ONE SUSPECTED A THING!!! I am proud of myself for "putting myself out there"

8 March

The exhibiton I went to gave me new ideas when it comes to how to use time as a medium. through the video work Estrella i learnt that storytelling can be done in many ways and that it's yet again more about the symbolic language in art than what is said outfront.

I filmed myself walking through a park on the way there, and edited the material with footage from the exhibition when I came home. It all feels like it is becoming a type of "vlog" situation of what I am doing. It is good to practice "performing" in public spaces. It helps me ease into it. 

To do today

- Literary reseach in the library

- Film something in public (maybe edit it too)

- Sketchbook documentation 

6 March

Tired, tired. Working on something while processing difficult things is hard - I get into a low energy state, want to cocoon myself. Isolate. It's hard to stay motivated when I'm experiencing flashbacks of traumas and I need to take care of my emotions first. It helps to take "breaks", just leave it as it is for awhile. I need to remind myself to not to beat myself up for not "performing", I realize that I am on this course FOR ME, not to please someone else. It makes it easier to find the self serving motive on what I'm doing. 

 

To do:

- Go to exhibition at Freelands Foundation 

- Upload research from exhibition 

- Print pictures for sketchbook to document process

 

Also: 

- Buy green facepaint

- Research literature from reading list

4 March

Yesterday I didn't do any "work" because I needed to take care of myself and rest after therapy. I started the day today with experimenting more with "light langauge" to get into speaking on video and also filming myself. I spontaneously edited the material together - I did it all quite quickly and I noticed the advantages with not waiting to create what is in my head but rather just "throw it out there". When I do this I gather material and information of how I want the final outcome to be, so it is important to me to see making just as much as research a literary sources and visual research. It doesn't have to be perfect, everything doesn't have to make sense, everything doesn't have to necessarily even look that good; what's important is that it gives m e a feeling of where I am at and what I want to produce, it adds context to and experience of that which lies beyond words. 

I am still tired from yesterdays therapy session so I am going to give myself time to take it easy today. 

 

To do

- Buy green sheet and body paint

- Research Johari window, The Myth of the Other, Deleuze and Performance 

- Print pictures for sketchbook 

- Sketchbook documentation

2 March

Today I have done some sketchbook planning, quite differently than before. It has taken me some time to get comfortable with using a sketchbook. I am still planning on regularly making collages out of found objects to generate ideas but I have found it easier to put the collages in one book and the actual planning in another. In my planning sketchbook I can get messy, write out my thoughts quite informally, use some visual research, but mainly just get everything I need to figure out out of my head and onto paper. Last term I experienced my my workflow as quite messy and a bit hard to get into as an onlooker. I am more and more finding ways to make my process more effective, both to me and others. It's empowering. 

I started experimenting with the audio part of my video and it was quite scary to record myself. I am interested in seeing who I become on camera. There is so much awkwardness to behaving strangely on camera: Making ugly noises is scary, it's not very attractive - it keeps me complicated.  I want to appeal to the viewer, I  want to be admired. This is whats so hard about making something off-the-grid. It makes me dream of having a team to work with, good technicians and creatives who can help me realise my vision. I am lowkey realising how I want to work in the future, probably not as an artist but as a creative director, a director of a team of competent people who share my vision and know how to work through it... dreams!!!

I read some research as well. The Myth of the Other by Franco Rella. It was good, because it provided historical context to the works of academic analysis today, its roots in freudian psychoanalysis and a distinction between "truth" in contrast to analysis and problem-solving. How truth is beyond words, how truth is sectioned into "knowing-not-knowning" that we try to turn into endless spectulation. How to get further from this, how to be anti-oepidus, but still see the cultural value of academic effort... It moves so slowly though. 

Suggestions for Tomorrow:

- More audio alien experiments 

- Sketchbook documentation

- Buy green sheet and body paint

- Research Johari window, The Myth of the Other, Deleuze and Performance 

- Reflection 

 

2 March

Okay so I have not updated in awhile because I've been busy doing people things like going to parties and going to a cottage on the countryside. I realized that I take on very much to do every day. While it is good to have a vision of what needs to be done, I've learnt to accept that most days I don't have the energy to do research all day and then make work. I am developing discernment when it comes to what needs to be done and in what order. I can make a planning but I need not to see it as: this HAS TO BE DONE :@@@@ but rather as guidelines, because my mood and interests are constantly changing. Sometimes I plan doing research for 1 hour and I end up doing research for the whole day. Sometimes I plan doing nothing and ideas just come to me in the empty spaces, fields on the countryside and meditations. It's funny. I'm not really in control, I guess I'm a force of nature and u can't control nature, everyone who's tried knows you can't. 

 

To do this week:

- Buy green sheet and face/body paint

- Go to museum with selfie stick and film myself talk alien language to the mummies

- Make a green screen 

- Plan video in sketchbook

- use footage to mash with green screen idea at home 

- research literary sources in the library

- document seminar

- RESEARCH JOHARI WINOW , au'jourdhui today

 

Today:

- sketchbook

- research library

- alien language to mummies 

26 February

I realized I had to shorten down  my PPP so I started the day by doing that. I felt it made a more clear outcome so I am happy with that. I needed to leave class because of my medical condition but I was able to hear some of the ideas my classmates are working on and how they are going to test out those ideas. It inspired me to start making something myself. Yesterday I did research that I might want to incorporate  as a monologue in my film. It would be fun to play around with making fun of the academic language as a learnt construct by putting it in an alien context - like a news report or talk show. The aim would be to obscure the value/legitimacy we put to certain social constructs in certain "rooms". I am going to reflect on the Johari window as back up research. I also want to try out speaking "alien language" as a news reporter or museum guide. I want to use lo-fi materials, phone camera and selfie stick, to emphasise the value we put to format and thjecertain regulations we apply to something to "make it real". I am once again referring to the Jean Cocteau quote I read in a Jonas Mekas interview:

"Film will only became an art when its materials are as inexpensive as pencil and paper."

I want to deconstruct elitism in the art world, academic world etc. Take it down to a level which every one, no matter where they come from can affirm. Through using "alien language", perhaps put silly "academic" quotes as subtitles I am playing the part of the wise fool archetype which through making a fool of himself show us that our  social institutions, systems and regulations are relative - not because they cannot be helpful or useful but to show that it is all just ideas and in essence we are all the same - as my friend Oscar would say,

“Kings and philosophers shit—and so do ladies.”


― Michel de Montaigne

 

My to do list today

- Buy green fabric to use as green screen

- Do more research (Either/or, Kirkegaard and The Myth of the Other, Franco Rella) 

- Do visual research (Lo-fi talkshows, absurd humour - Joanne the scammer, Tim and Eric etc) 

- Plan sketchbook 

25 February

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Dxg9557xZs

Today I finished my PPP. I am happy with the outcome. I found it quite enjoyable to do a task like this because it allowed me to utilize knowledge I have from planning, researching, sourcing and writing from my high school studies in social and behavioral science. This is something I find very exciting. I realize more and more that my role as an artist is so much about concept. I am very driven by my intellect in many ways - I like thinking about thinking, I like asking questions, discussing and exploring limits of what can be said in word. I like using this as way of discerning what is more fitting to put to form instead of expressing in words. I have found it quite challenging to actually make a visual outcome out of my ideas. There i so much I want to express and I'm thinking how I can make something htat wont get completely lost in translation. I guess there is this element of letting go of my creation and letting it be its own for people to interpret. I need to find a balance between those to factors.

I have picked up some research from the library that I am going to scan in today and go through in class tomorrow. I did not have the energy to do that today. I aim to be mindful about taking time to rest and relax. I think this will make it easier for me to take advantage of natural energy highs - to work when i feel flow, rather than trying to force something for the sake of "doing work". Why do we call it work? What does that say about how we view our processes of creating. My friend talked about a Duchamp interview she listened to. He said he worked as a librarian because he didn't want art to be his work. I understand him. 

 

Tomorrows to do-list:

- Scan, annotate, read and reflect on research

- Discuss research with Saga 

If I feel the energy: 

- Sketchbook scrap collage to generate ideas 

And always:

- Breathe

- Relax

- Smile

- Let go

 

Thank you 

24 February

I feel good about getting my proposal done today. What I am thinking of now is finishing touches, removing unnecessary details and finalising the project planning. I want to simplify and short the text a bit to make it more comprehensible. I also want to make sure I am doing more research. I really enjoyed working on the proposal and I feel like I'm finally starting to feel more confident about my practice which makes it much more enjoyable. I understand how free I am, that I can explore whatever feels interesting to me, that I am allowed to research things I usually only read for fun. It's good to find a purpose to your interests. 

My to do list for tomorrow is:

- Review/final edit PPP

- Finalise planning 

- Read research in the library

- Possibly some collageing in the sketchbook 

24 February

I am working on my PPP and getting feedback from my classmate. She helped me structure my written text to make sure it was in the right section of the text.  It was nice to get some perspective by reading her proposal as well. I want to focus on making my aim clear. I want to really find time to revise my research to choose what to focus on during working with on project.  

 

Today:

- Go to library

- Research literary resources

- Annotate research texts 

- Finish Project proposal

- Reflection

- Smile 

- Breathe

- Let go

 

I talked to my classmate about what I should focus on during project - she said that with such a mature conceoy (tahnk you <3) it could be fun to contrast with something quite absurd and whimsical. 

22 February

Skärmavbild 2020-02-22 kl. 16.18.16.png

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W9Wn1RSp4c

Thinking of how I want to do a performance, create something about institutional critique but it scares me a bit. I want to  do something frivolous and untamed but I feel scared and and small, like I want to get out. Is that my standing point? The unwillingness becomes the willingness. I think of Andrea Fraser, “what you need to know to understand my art? I was the youngest of five siblings[...]” Me too Andrea, me too. Competing for attention, obsession with fairness, the overwhelming truth of the machinery of a social institution. Belonging, becoming someone else or something to feel belonging. Truth is immaculate where we come from. Isn’t that it? 

“That I was the youngest in a family of five,” she continued. “It was extremely competitive, and fairness became extremely important to me from that position. I had to defend my little share, right? My little piece of the pie.” Her obsession with equity, she said, again tearing up, partly “comes down to that, to being the runt.”

 

She was attracted to “East Coast cultural institutions and status codes,” despite feeling, or precisely because she felt, “deeply illegitimate — as a high school dropout, as a hippie kid, as a half-Puerto Rican kid … I think I was able, from the very beginning, to recognize, even if I couldn’t use the words ‘ambivalence’ or ‘conflicted investments,’” she said, assuming a deep professorial register to mock her own preferred terms, “how much I wanted from these institutions … and that I could find a kind of legitimacy in that world. And, at the same time, I did feel absolutely crushed by it.”

 

Am I the same? Do I feel drawn to perform  to prove my worth? "deeply illegitimate" - as a high school basket case, as a hippie kid, as a half Hungarian kid, fatherless kid, gay kid, mentally ill kid, gifted kid, sensitive child, demanding, demeaning, dreaming of  whatever makes me feel seen, makes me feel powerful, make me feel right... The core wound of unworthiness. I am questioning the probability to ever stop performing, if I get into feeding something like this. It needs to come from a humorous point of view, rather than self-pity and woundedness. Or maybe it its alright that it is inspired  by hurt. Maybe I need to get off my high horse - institutionalised, constitutionalised. 

Even writing in English feels hard today. Aujourd'hui....... today. I want it to be perfect. I want it to sound fluent. Natural. Academic. Contradictions.